AFL SHIFTING GOAL POSTS AGAIN, THIS TIME LITERALLY
The AFL has today announced a bold new change for the league to be enforced mid-year – the actual shifting of the goal posts. The distance between the goal posts will be widened from 6.4 metres to 9.6 metres wide, an increase of 50% – all in the name of player safety. League spokesperson Sal Finportant told media today the league was concerned about the mental well-being of forwards throughout the league after goal kicking inaccuracy was again put in a negative light. “Look, we can’t have talking heads and radio personalities degrading a bloke like Joe Daniher simply because he kicked one goal six. He reads the papers, watches telly. How’s his mental state going to be after being mocked relentlessly, all because he can’t kick two goals from every seven shots on goal? He’s liable to suffer depression if we don’t act.”
Those statements were echoed by Beyond Blue board member Nev Errong. “Mental health is like a Harley Bennell calf. Sure, the injury report may say four to six weeks, but really, it should say infinity plus one. Being inaccurate in front of goals is like being medium term. Forever.”
Every person we’ve spoken to on the issue is firmly behind the AFL’s plan, after the seamless transitions of the third man up rule, COLA, banning Sydney from trading, the deliberate out of bounds ‘interpretation’, deliberate rushed behinds, points for academy picks, hands in the back, the video goal review system, MRP gradings, having to use two first round picks in a four year period but not really, a twilight Grand Final and Meatloaf. Meatloaf himself weighed in on the issue – “After all the positive feedback I received after my Grand Final performance, I had to come to bat for the league. No-one should ever have to suffer just because they get paid a lot to do something and do it terribly. I wouldn’t know, but putting yourself out there shouldn’t make you a target.”
The change will be enforced after the well received, seamless move to play an AFL match in China for points. Psychologists around Australia have applauded the move, suggesting over time it will save the lives of at least seventeen Travis Clokes, and ease the likelihood of depression amongst any number of young, athletic men earning hundreds of thousands of dollars to kick a ball.
There has been no opposition to the rule change as of yet, however the forlorn figure of Eddie Betts was seen silhouetted in an Adelaide sunset sobbing, whilst he split the middle with left foot banana after left foot banana from 45 out on the boundary.